Project Safe | Dating & Domestic Violence

Power & Control

Battering Personalities

Healthy Relationships

Dating Violence

Many terms (domestic violence, battering, relationship violence, spouse abuse, wife beating) have been coined to name the pattern of coercive and abusive tactics employed by one partner in a relationship to gain power and control over the other partner. For the purpose of this website, we will use the term dating violence. Dating violence can take many forms including physical violence, coercion, threats, intimidation, isolation, and emotional, sexual or economic abuse.

Click here for information about Rape Kits

Examples of dating violence include, but are not limited to:

Physical Abuse
Pushing, shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, or strangling
Holding, tying down, or restraining
Leaving the victim in a dangerous place
Emotional/Psychological Abuse
Threats of harm and/or intimidation
Physical and social isolation
Sexual Abuse
Forcing or attempting to force unwanted sexual acts
Pursuing sexual activity when the victim is not fully conscious or is asleep
Causing physical pain during sex without consent

The violent partner’s behavior is intentional: designed to bring about a desired state of affairs in which the battered partner’s will is subordinated to the will of the batterer. In most cases, the violence will increase in severity and frequency as time passes.

Power and Control Wheel

In 1984, based on group interviews with women attending educational classes offered by the Duluth battered women's shelter, the Domestic Abuse Intervention Program began developing a framework for describing the behavior of men who physically and emotionally abuse their partners. More than 200 battered women in Duluth who participated in 30 educational sessions sponsored by the shelter designed the Power and Control Wheel, which depicts the primary abusive behaviors experienced by women living with men who batter. It illustrates that violence is part of a pattern of behaviors rather than isolated incidents of abuse or cyclical explosions of pent-up anger, frustration, or painful feelings.

Signs of a Battering Personality

Jealousy — Abuser will say jealousy is a sign of love.
Controlling Behavior —Abuser might try to govern where you go, whom you go with, what you wear, etc.
Quick Involvement — One week you and he are dating and the next week he is expressing his love for you and after a month he is suggesting that the two of you move in together.
Unrealistic Expectations — Abuser expects partner to meet all of his needs, to know what those needs are without discussing them, to predict his needs before he has them.
Isolation — An abuser will try to cut you off from all resources, friends, and family.
Blames Others for Problems — Abusers confront problems with statements such as, "You made me mad."
Hypersensitivity — Abusers are famous for making mountains out of molehills. For instance, he might say that forgetting to call him means you hate him or that you were trying to hurt him.
Cruelty to Animals or Children — Abusers will punish animals brutally or will have extremely high expectations of children.
"Playful" Use of Force in Sex — The force or dominance that may happen is unconsensual.
Verbal Abuse — Abuser degrades the other person, curses the other, runs down anything the other accomplishes.
Rigid Sex Roles — Batterer expects the woman to exist for him, to fulfill traditional roles assigned to women: female/passive, male/dominant
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde — One minute he’s kind and the next he’s exploding; he’s charming in public and cruel at home.
Past Battering — Abuser may say he has hit other women in the past, but assure you that they provoked him.
Threats of Violence — Threats of physical force are often a precursor to future violence.
Breaking or Striking Objects — Again, breaking or striking other things is often a precursor of coming violence.
Any Force During an Argument — May involve an abuser holding his partner down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing, shoving, etc.

Characteristics of Safe and Healthy Relationships

Partnerships

Decisions are made jointly, with input from each partner

Responsibilities are shared by each partner

Economic Equality

Freedom to decide issues of work, school and money
Neither partner restricts the other to gender roles

Emotional Honesty

Each partner feels safe admitting and sharing feelings of fear and insecurity
Each partner accepts responsibility for their own feelings while recognizing the validity of the other’s feelings

Sexual Respect

Each partner respects the other’s sexual values
Each partner honors the other’s right to determine the course of their sexuality
Each partner accepts "no" and does not enforce sexual demands

Physical Safety

Each partner respects the physical space of the other
Physical force is never used to subordinate one to the other’s will
Physical force is never used as a form of punishment

Support and Trust

Each partner listens and attempts to understand the other
Each partner’s opinion is valued

Respect

Each partner respects the right to differing feelings, friends and activities
Each supports the other partner’s goals

If Someone You Know Is Being Abused

Ask direct questions, gently. Give her ample opportunity to talk. Don’t rush into providing solutions.
Listen without judging. Abused women often believe their abusers’ negative messages. They feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate, and are often afraid they will be judged.
Let her know that you support and care about her, that she’s not responsible for the violence, that only the abuser can stop the violence.
Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time. There’s no excuse for it – not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression, not jealousy.
Make sure she knows that she’s not alone – that millions of American women from every ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic group suffer from abuse and that many find it difficult to leave.
Also explain that domestic violence is a crime – as much of a crime as robbery – and that the legal system may be a resource for her.
Let her know that it is likely that, in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and will likely escalate.
Emphasize that when she is ready to leave the relationship, she should access the resources of the shelter and legal system. She will most likely be aware of the danger of leaving, but it is important to talk about it with her and to put her in touch with the proper resources.
Provide her with information about local resources: the phone number of the local domestic violence hotline, support groups, counseling, shelter programs, and legal advocacy services. On campus, Hand in Hand can help you identify resources to help her.
She may need financial assistance. She may need help finding a place to live. She may need a place to store her belongings. She may need assistance with her escape. Decide if you are comfortable and equipped for helping out in these ways.
Contact your local battered women’s program for advice or guidance.
If she remains in the relationship, continue to be her friend while at the same time firmly communicating to her that she does not deserve to be in this violent situation.
If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police, but because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.

In compliance with federal law, including the provisions of Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, Sections 503 and 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, and the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, Vanderbilt University does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, religion, color, national or ethnic origin, age, disability, or military service in its administration of educational policies, programs, or activities; its admissions policies; scholarship and loan programs; athletic or other University-administered programs; or employment. In addition, the University does not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation consistent with University nondiscrimination policy. Inquiries or complaints regarding these issues should be directed to the Opportunity Development Officer, Baker Building, Box 1809, Station B, Nashville, TN 37235. Telephone (615) 322-4705 (V/TDD); Fax (615) 343-4969.