afraid of that you’ve made a wrong decision and 
afraid of the infinite possibilities for the future.

i woke up, feeling numb, feeling different, feeling… okay.
i’m excited but uncertain, happy but sad, broken but stronger… these paradoxical feelings rapture me, entangle me, hold me hostage, but i know that one day, i’ll wake up and feel whole again. 

when you’ve done something or have held a relationship to something or someone and put your heart, energy, time, and soul into it, you feel a little bit empty when it’s gone. you feel a little bit direction-less, you feel a little bit off…

but then you step outside and sit under the sun, and you breathe. you live, and life moves on.

it’s in the little things. it may seem little to someone, but it can be enormous to someone else. sometimes, you have to reassert your own values to yourself because something has made you doubt. however, you’ve got to believe; you’ve got to view yourself the way God views you - as a beautiful, capable, and strong individual. 

it doesn’t matter what other people view your strengths are or stereotype you to be. you must believe and break all the views/ misconceptions, and set a precedent. you’ve got to stand up and receive the greatness that God has in store for you.

it’s scary and hard journey, but it will be worth it. sometimes, the right thing is the hardest thing; sometimes, something that breaks your heart and makes you cry is just what you needed.

and sometimes, it defines your unique perspective and your own values. 

but no matter how great you become - you must always remember the people who loved you along the way and the experiences which made you who you are.

Proverbs 3:5-6

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him, 
and he will make your paths straight. 

Every morning from 9am to 12pm, we worked with Food and Friends, helping to prepare, package, and deliver healthful meals and groceries to 1350+ people living with HIV/AIDS, cancer, and life-challenging illnesses throughout the Washington DC Metro Area.

On Monday afternoon, we made condom packets at Metro TeenAIDS and was given a brief overview of HIV/AIDS in the DC area. DC’s AIDS rate is TEN TIMES that of the Nation’s average, and somewhere in the trip, we learned that it was higher than the rate in parts of Africa. We also went to an education session and brief service to SMYAL, Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League. On Tuesday afternoon, we helped the Pediatric AIDS/HIV Care help revamp and clean some of their facilities.

By far, I would say, the most influential afternoon for me was Wednesday, working with PreventionWorks, a harm reduction program that operates primarily via a mobile service unit. Clients are served weekly at a 12 needle exchange sites located near active drug strips. Basically, we went into their office for a brief overview first, and then went to one of their actual needle exchange sites. There, I met Tafari, a transgender worker who led us through the neighborhood where we did some outreach by handing out condoms and promoting the HIV testing and needle exchange that was going on in the needle exchange van. During this excursion in the neighborhood, we saw a drug deal operation, talked to some pedestrian women, and got sexually harassed (sort of). Basically, one of the guys we handed out condoms to grabbed my site leader’s hand and was like “If I get tested, can we have safe sex later?” That was scary- no joke. The entire thing was scary, but more to come later in the entry about that.

Thursday afternoon, we helped put stickers on pamphlets for Community Education Group, nonprofit org that focuses on the creation and expansion of programs and projects, which addresses the health, socioeconomic, environmental and systemic challenged facing the African American community. Friday afternoon, we did an info session at OurPlace DC, which supports women who are or have been in the criminal justice system by providing the resources they need to maintain connections with the community, resettle at incarceration, and reconcile with their families.

Friday night was Teen Supreme Night, which was a huge party outreach to a community. At this party, condoms were handed out and HIV/AIDS tests were given. During Teen Supreme Night, a bunch of neighborhood boys challenged four of us to a basketball game and basically kicked us in the butt. It was an definitely interesting experience. Needless to say, this week has been phenomenal in terms of education, awareness, and everything else. Also, the group did life-maps, which is basically the telling of your life story. For everyone, we basically spent an hour to 1.5 hours listening to their life story and then 30 minutes asking questions. I pretty much feel an intimate connection to everyone in my ASB group now from their life stories and just conversations throughout the week. It’s been an amazing - absolutely amazing time.

_____________

THE REFLECTION: So this week has been amazing! I guess I’ll do bullet point of things that touched me/ things I was reminded of/ things that I learned.

1. There are so many gray areas in the world. For instance, does handing out condoms prevent the spread of STDs and HIV/AIDS, or do they encourage the spread of the diseases? When do we draw the line as society in terms of earliest age to give them out… or how available will they be made? What about sex education- should we teach how to properly put on condoms? Part of the problem is that people don’t know how to have safe sex… but perhaps by doing this awareness, we encourage people to have sex when they’re 11,12,13 years of age - ridiculous, quite.

2. You should meet people where they are- not where you are. A lot of times people ask why don’t high schoolers go to the school nurse to get condoms or why don’t people in poor areas go somewhere like a health clinic to obtain safe sex materials… the answer is a lot of things: pride, image, and a whole bunch of other factors. A lot of times people do pumping parties because of this too… the big thing this week is outreach. You have to meet people WHERE THEY ARE- NOT WHERE YOU ARE. We are often high and lofty, studying HIV/AIDS from a removed academic perspective. People with STDs may just be a statistic to us. However, doing outreach in the neighborhood with PreventionWorks put my head into reality. We must show how much we care about others by meeting their needs, by showing that we’re willing to step into their world and try to understand them. We show our love this way, in hopes of them trusting and opening up to us.

3. Along the same lines, I learned how to be client-based in a non-corporate world entity. For example, a lot of the nonprofit orgs we worked for were client-based and instead of saying “here are our services, use them,” they approached the people and said, “what are your needs? let us help you in any way possible.”

4. Remember your roots. When I was younger, I was poor. I didn’t have money for Christmas presents or brand-new clothes or anything. I wasn’t in a good education school district either. It was an experience that shaped my world lens, but since my family had become upper-middle class, I sometimes forgot the hardship experienced. Going to the poor neighborhoods for PreventionWorks and Teen Supreme night really brought me back to my experience back in New Orleans when I was in elementary school. It reminded me of how precious money is and how blessed I really am with money. It reminded me to never take things I have for granted or to feel entitlement for certain things when a great number of the population can’t afford even necessities. It reminded me never to forget where I was and to carry it with me into the future, whatever profession I take on- finance, economics, law.

5. First impressions are very important. When I was talking to a few people in the group, I realized how I thought I came off wasn’t how I really came off (on a first impression basis). In the future, I will definitely be more mindful of how to present myself.

6. Throughout this whole trip, I’ve been humbled by the people I’ve seen and things I’ve learned. I think sometimes it is easy to make comments like, “they’re not rich because they didn’t work hard enough.” It is easy to become insensitive and see how many people do not have the opportunities you do. I think I will try my best to keep this in mind for the future no matter where I go or whom I meet.

7. People judge you when they see you. A number of things run through their mind. However, you’ve got to just keep going and do your best to be yourself and prove them wrong. Also, it is important to remember not to judge a book by its cover. During the life-maps, I learned so much about people that helped me understand who they are and where they come from, and it reminded me that people’s life experiences have really molded and shaped them, and that we, as fellow human-beings, are in no place to judge others.

i’ve never felt the need for others to like me.  i used to be intimidated by good-looking guys, but now they don’t phase me.  it’s interesting - life is.  

disappointment comes back again and again, but you’ve got to find friends who aren’t going to leave you or not love you for who you are.  you’ve got to find friends who’ll accept you and build you up.  it’s hard.  you might go through stages where you see certain things more clearly, and your relationships and perceptions change.

be NOT afraid of change. 

instead, be afraid of NOT being true to yourself because that’s what you’ll see in college - people not being true to themselves or people compromising their values or people not keeping their word.  you’ll see life.  you’ll see weaknesses; you’ll hear excuses, you’ll get disappointed, but you’ll still be amazed every once in a while.

and the people you find who’ll stick with you no matter what; you’ll find people who resonate with you; you’ll find people who will know when you’re not okay even if you say it’s okay; look for them, never compromise yourself.

and the rest don’t matter.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss

So on Saturday, I got a nice Valentine’s day surprise;  Goldman Sachs offered me a chance to go through the first round of interviews.  I interviewed with an associate on Tuesday and then a senior VP on Wednesday (like 4 hours ago).  These were done through the phone, which made it even more nerve-wrecking.  I find out tomorrow whether I get to move on to the 2nd round of interviews in New York.

When I found out on Saturday, I started immediately to prepare for these interviews:  I read Vault Guides from the Career Center on Investment Banking, Finance Interviews, and Top Banking Firms.  I started reading the Wall Street Journal, Bloomberg Report, NYtimes, CNNmoney, and many, many, many articles and websites- anything that would give me financial information.  I googled many investment terms as well as studied the Goldman Sachs website.  I talked to the business career counselor; I talked to my economics and finance professors; I mock-interviewed with my friend’s dad (who mock interviews their cousin at Wharton Business School).  Essentially, I did my all.

And then… I did my best during the interviews.

It’s nerve-wrecking to wait for the jurisdiction.  Are you good enough to move onto the second round of interviews?  It’s also hard to believe I want this so much just as a sophomore- (it’s hard for me to believe they gave me an opportunity to interview in the first place!).  It’s just hard to believe.

Through this process, it’s hard to keep your spirit up.  However, I’ve got my faith.  You’ve got to see everything as a learning opportunity and chance to learn from your mistakes.  Take the opportunities you can get; learn as much as you can.

Even if I don’t achieve the second round of interviews, I will be happy, and I will be proud of myself for how knowledge I have become on this current financial crisis. Woo!

This week I have 4 exams, and I’m stressed out, nervous, and exhausted.  Today, I ran from meeting to meeting to meeting to meeting (3pm to 10pm).  And then from 10 to 12:30, I worked on some things for VUcept Exec Board.  However, no matter how busy life gets, I have learned to keep moving ahead and to do your best.

It’s important to make time for yourself, and it’s important to be active on campus.  However, it can be hard finding that balance.  I’m a sophomore, and I’m still struggling to find the balance.  Between schoolwork and VSG and VUcept and RAing and MOSAIC and connecting with family and friends and all these things… finding time to relax and watch some online tv, or sleep, or do something completely for myself - it’s hard.

However, college is all about learning, and I am learning a lot! 

Time flies. Literally.  Vandy has kept me busy 24/7. Lots of fun. Lots of work. The Push to Excellence.  The Push to Be GREAT.  The Push to Be Whatever You’d like.

This weekend was RA Super Saturday Interview and Selections Day, and while I was helping out during the process, I felt SO BLESSED to be here; I felt so BLESSED to be on the other side (since I am currently an RA I don’t have to go through the process again).  So many excited faces, so much potential, so many great people all around me.

Some people call me the Vanderbilt Poster Child because my picture was on the front of the website once, but I’m not.  There are issues about Vanderbilt; there are ways that Vanderbilt could be better, but hey - every university has something they could improve on.  Every university has something they could be doing better.  It’s up to the wonderful faculty and staff as well as the passionate students to stand up and be all that they can be.

No matter where you go to college, live at your fullest potential - never half-do things, always 100%!

My new year’s resolution to start exercising has been very successful.  I have been using the bike, elliptical, and running machine every other day for about 45 minutes.  I started small and achieved big - I slowly started to strengthen my heart by doing cardio.  I felt better, gained more energy, and loved that I was keeping my goals.

Procrastination is a big challenge for college students.  I’ll put it off.  I’ll do it later.  I have the rest of my life to do it.  I have a lot of time.

Life sneaks up on you.  The paper you had due three weeks from now is due tomorrow; you’re waiting for the summer to start running and now it’s winter… so do what you must.

Make decisions that will make you happy and at peace.  Implement your goals.  Baby steps at a time until you get comfortable walking.  This idea seems so simple, but it’s hard.

For instance, eating healthy has always been a goal of mine.  It was also a new year’s resolution.  The more I waited to cut back on the fatty burgers or chips, the more I wanted to eat unhealthy food.  However, when I came back for this semester, I took advantage of Vandy’s meal plan and bought Naked juices and cereal for breakfast instead of eating the regular old bacon.  I ate oatmeal and fruit on a weekly basis.  I even started picking up soy milk for snacks.  I slowly started eating less carbs and less protein - I DID NOT go anorexic; I merely followed my hunger.  If I was hungry, I ate.  If I wasn’t, I didn’t stuff my face like I did last semester.  College is the time for you to take a look in the mirror and LIKE what you see!  

If you wanted to try student government, dance, consulting club, hiking - whatever it is you want to do - Vandy provides!! Wilskils (an outdoor program) has been extremely successful. I’m going to DC (and I’ve never been before) with Alternative Spring Break to work with AIDS patients and AIDS education programs.

It’s amazing how many opportunities you truly have here… it’d be such a shame to realize that you wanted to try something new and you had the opportunity to do it, but you didn’t take advantage of it.  I have a friend who recently picked up MODEL UN and LOVED it! He is now going to Monterrey for a very minimal cost!

Ah - I love college! :]

For the past two years at Vanderbilt, I’ve been really blessed with opportunities to make a difference in the Vanderbilt community and to learn so much inside and outside the classroom.  Sometimes, I don’t feel like I am the smartest kid here even though I have a great GPA.  Sometimes, I don’t feel like the an involved, active leader because there are so many leaders surrounding me.  Sometimes, I doubt other people’s motives; sometimes, I doubt my own motives, and by doubting, I lose a bit of confidence and initial drive.  

Recently, I’ve been feeling inadequate about my leadership abilities.  I’ve always been one of the strongest leaders on campus, but recently, I’ve noticed that there are so many leaders with so much going for them - all on campus.  Sometimes, great leaders compete for the same position.  A great example is with the Vanderbilt Student Government elections:  Fabiani & Deno and Wyatt & Lori are the two pairs running for Prez and VP.  

College (and especially at Vanderbilt) will challenge you to think about your environment, your leadership, and how you can change your community.  Sometimes, you may feel inadequate or not as capable as others, but college is a great environment for learning.  The journey of life is a great environment for learning.  There are going to be times where you feel discouraged and sometimes beaten and lost, but remember, take it day by day, opportunity by opportunity - eventually, you will find your time to shine.  Do your best and that’s all you can do.  Find your talent.  Sometimes, it takes trying new things out.  Sometimes, you’ll make mistakes and find that some things don’t suit you - that’s okay too.  You’ll find your way somewhere, somehow.

It’s a journey.

don’t let anyone tell you what you should or should not do.

this may seem like an easy principle, but it’s easier than you think to fall into society’s traps. throughout my entire life i’ve never let society’s boundaries stop me, but this semester, i gave in for a while. this semester i let society tell me that if i get a PhD in Economics, then i would just become a professor, researcher, or government worker. i was told that if you’re going to get a great business job in the future, you should have a plethora of internships, lots of business classes, and that people with PhDs don’t go out into the business world. my own mind told me i had to drop my student organizations to make room for internships and other things. i struggled with finding what to do, what i should do, and if i did everything with a true passion, a pure motive.

after many restless nights, afternoons of cruising through business and graduate schools, an excess of repeated conversations with friends, chats with my mother, and arguments with my father — after all of it, i finally realized that i have always marched to the beat of my own drum, and i will continue to march to the beat of my own drum.

i am going to get a PhD, and i am going to become a very successful business woman. i am going to do both. more education never hurt anyone. also, summer internships while pursuing a graduate degree is a viable option for business world experience. JP Morgan has a specific tab for internships for PhD candidates. if JP Morgan recognizes the value in PhD candidates, why can’t other companies?

in fact, why is everything so black and white sometimes? why can’t the world have a bit of color? there are two types of people in the world: diligent and lazy. the diligent work hard for their dreams; the lazy give up on them before even trying because it’s “too hard.” let me tell you something: companies look for people with passion, determination - people who are willing to work hard, put in the extra effort, and be optimistic - essentially, people who can take a challenge.

[*Note: Please don't get me wrong. Internships, work experiences, etc. are all GREAT. That is not the point of my note. My point is that I figured out that I didn't have to go the conventional route of achieving something.]

i want a challenge. that is exactly why i chose to take math as a second major. people assume because i’m asian or because i go to vanderbilt that it comes easy to me. well, it doesn’t. i work my butt off; there’s tears and pain involved with depressing math tests, but i do it because i honestly believe it will benefit me in the future. i honestly believe in the value of learning the intangible problem-solving skills; i find beauty in numbers, and i know eventually everything will make sense.

so basically, don’t do something just to do it. do it because you LOVE IT! i’ve talked to many wonderful people this year who have really inspired me - people who study things and lead organizations because they enjoy the subject or have passion for the cause, people who immerse themselves in another culture, another language, another world, people who work their butts off to make this world better. i have friends who know WAY more chinese than i do and they learn it because they find china fascinating. i have a lot of respect for people who follow their heart and their passions.

pray often, pray hard. be who you want to be. do what you want to do. take the road less traveled. make a path where there is none. work hard. love the work you do. do the work you love. remember to enjoy the journey - remember to appreciate the people around you - remember to take time with the God, family, and friends who touched your life - remember to live life. live life passionately in every way possible.

40 to 45% of American adult make one or more resolutions each year.

Among the top new years resolutions are resolutions about weight loss, exercise, and stopping to smoke. Also popular are resolutions dealing with better money management / debt reduction.

The following shows how many of these resolutions are maintained as time goes on:
- past the first week: 75%
- past 2 weeks: 71%
- after one month: 64%
- after 6 months: 46%

While a lot of people who make new years resolutions do break them, research shows that making resolutions is useful. People who explicitly make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don’t explicitly make resolutions:

New Year’s resolvers (sample = 159) and comparable nonresolvers interested in changing a problem later (sample = 123) were followed for six months via telephone interviews. Resolvers reported higher rates of success than nonresolvers; at six months, 46% of the resolvers were continuously successful compared to 4% of the nonresolvers.

What does all this mean?

Well, my thoughts on new year resolutions are that they should be used to identify what is important to a person. Goals are important. I don’t think new years resolutions should be impractical ideals, but more of a general guide to what a person can be doing to live a better life. These resolutions help you to organize your thoughts and continue to reevaluate your life.

I think that it is very important during college to assess how the past semester has been in every way - academically, socially, life contentment - and think of ways to make life more joyful and meaningful.

Happy New Year!!!